Overcoming Imposter Syndrome & Embracing Your Authentic Self – Kamini Wood on The Healers Café

self work. And through that process, recognized that actually my calling is to help other people. I’ve always been drawn to being with people and just, I’m an empath by nature. So I always have been drawn to, how can I help? How can I serve? How can I see you grow, even in the work that I did in the business world, every time I was drawn back to the people. You know, what is it that you need to be successful? What is it that you need to grow and evolve? And so through my own self journey, self development journey, I was brought into this world, and that’s when I realized that that’s, this is the path that I wanted to take. And so for the last eight years, I’ve been running my practice, working with people one to one.

Manon Bolliger  02:54

Interesting, yeah. I mean, it’s funny how it often it is something in our lives that lead us ultimately, to want to share, you know, what we’ve learned through our our own lessons, right?

Kamini Wood  03:09

Oh, absolutely.

Manon Bolliger  03:10

So let’s jump into authentic self. Because, you know, I have seen that word used abused.

Kamini Wood  03:21

That’s a very fair point,

Manon Bolliger  03:23

Which is the authentic self. Well, you know, so why don’t you define it a little bit? And maybe it’s importance to you and the work you do.

Kamini Wood  03:33

The way that I define the authentic self is the part of it’s, first of all, it’s a capital S self, and it’s the self that is aligned with your core values, your core needs, and a true, compassionate understanding of those things and what your beliefs are about self. And that, for me, is who you are, because so often we are taking on beliefs, thoughts, other people’s values, other people’s needs, we take them on as our own, and we lose track of who we are as our own individual person. So when we lean into that authentic self, really being true and honoring those values that are ours, as well as those needs that are ours.

Manon Bolliger  04:17

Because I don’t know, in the marketing world, you know, like I run a college called Bowen College, and in my practice, I never thought about marketing. It was word of mouth, and it just grew and grew and grew and it was crazy. But when it came to teaching one of the methodologies I use, called Bowen Therapy, it was all about, how do you get it out to people, to people in the world, and they say, Well, you have to be your authentic self. And it’s like, wait a minute here, like, what is that? You know? So, they would say, Well, you know, you can wear makeup. Some people would say, if that’s what you like, or don’t wear any, because that’s way more natural, right? So anyway, you know, and I’m wavered on, like, what a stupid thing. How could this be so meaningful? Like, you know what’s going to come out of my mouth is going to be what is, what is real. But when you’re in circumstances that are sort of forced, that are not natural, like, you know, like telling people about a program you don’t know if they’re interested or not, eventually they might be, but you know, you’re doing something unnatural. Where does authentic come in, in your mind?

Kamini Wood  05:41

It’s such a great point, because I do think that when, when we’re doing something that’s unnatural, we’re in a place of discomfort, right? And so we’re trying to figure out how to become comfortable, comfortable in this place of, well, this seems new. And so for me, authentic comes in. Again. I go back to, well, what, what are my values and what are my beliefs in terms of what’s meaningful to me. Because, to your point, I mean, even running, being an entrepreneur and running my own practice, that marketing part of it was definitely not something that I was used to doing, and it felt very unnatural. So how did, how could I? The question for me was always, how do I show up as my authentic self, as my…who Kamini is? And for me, it goes back to what you were also saying about well, I’m going to say what, what is, is true for me, and then I’m going to allow people to either who align with it, to join in, and the people that don’t align with it, they’re not meant to work with me, and that’s okay. So part of it for me was also, yes, aligning with my values aligning with what I believe, and then also a part of it is releasing that attachment to other people’s perceptions, judgments or validations. And that’s how we come back to the authentic self.

Manon Bolliger  06:53

Right. And that applies very much so in the some of the work you do, obviously in relationships and coming out of abusive relationships, and as you were mentioning, you know, being a people pleaser, or you’re walking on eggshells because you’re afraid of the reactions of another, right? But that’s why I found it interesting. You’re also, you name yourself, also an entrepreneur, right? And a lot of people in the health coach coaching industry general, don’t include that as a descriptor and it’s that’s why I’m asking you all these questions. Because I think it’s you know, we all have to do that part, right? So what is the part of us that you know, does the courageous step or, you know, or do you go out and say, you know, oh, I really don’t like Facebook and all this crap. But if you’re still here, you know, like to become like, you know, the clown. I mean, you know, like I have a clown aspect of me. So, I mean, that’s what people say, but I think it’s true. I you know, if I’m not comfortable, I’m going to resort some sort of mockery or, or, and it can be demeaning as well, which isn’t very useful, because psychologically, that’s not what I’m actually very confident, and you know all of that. But if you’re doing something that you’re not aligned with, but that is necessary, or feels that’s where authentic is really an I find that we need different words, you know, it’s like, you know, in a in a relationship, you know, I, I’ve, I’ve done a lot of relationship counseling with people, and, oh, you know, now I’m finally in a relationship where I can just say what I want. And so is that, is that? What it means, you know, and what if what you want to say is totally mean and horrible, like, is that? Are you? Are you now, finally, authentically being a jerk? Like, you know, where do we…

Kamini Wood  09:16

Where do we draw the line?

Manon Bolliger  09:17

Where do we draw it you know, and I wanted to explore that. I don’t know if that’s the subject of interest to you, but…

Kamini Wood  09:24

No, it’s a great question. I think, I think, and I do think that people struggle with this, right? Because if I’m authentically a jerk or I’m authentically upset with somebody, where do I draw the line in my communication of that? And so my sort of the way that I play with that is authentic doesn’t necessarily mean I need to go outwardly and prove my authenticity to somebody else. A lot of times, it’s also to your own self. So for instance, if somebody you have some not nice things to say being authentic of what those true thoughts and feelings are, you can do that with yourself. So we can draw the line with and I…also like for me, I have a value of, you know, being kind, so I’m going to figure out a way to communicate my disapproval for how that person is acting. But for me, I’m authentically honest with myself saying, Wow, that person is a real jerk, and I don’t want anything to do with them. So that’s how I would play with it. Meaning, I do believe that being authentic doesn’t necessarily mean we have to go and spread it out to the all the entire world being authentic is is an inside job, because so often, and especially the work that I do with people recovering from toxic dynamics and toxic relationships, that’s the piece that I’ve learned that you lose track of, is, who am I? You know, what is? What matters to me. What are those needs? And so if we’re being authentic, and another word that I use a lot is wind, if I’m in alignment with myself, then I just really need to be true to myself, and then I can, I can be discerning as to how I communicate that with other people.

Manon Bolliger  10:57

Cuz I read your article where you you connect to empathy and resilience, right? And that’s another interesting component of this, right? Because an empath will feel more but art of empathy, the way you’re describing it, is also the ability to to control what because of your ability to feel others, to control how you are going to express yourself.

Kamini Wood  11:35

Yes, yes. And into that point, yes, it’s that. And also, I would say utilizing boundaries, meaning I can take in, I can absorb, and also I can be aware of how much I am absorbing, have those boundaries, and be boundary with how I communicate to others.

Manon Bolliger  11:55

So, I mean, so in a sense, the core value in the communication skill has got to be it’s something higher than saying the truth, for example, right? Or caring so much about how they feel that you’re walking on eggshells, right? So it’s really discerning what the higher value that really is true to you.

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Kamini Wood  13:36

And that’s, I think, the complicated part of it, because, for instance, I will say that I have a value of compassion and I have a value of integrity, and they could be almost at odds with each other when we’re talking about communication, because I want to be compassionate and I also want to be in integrity. But that’s that with that discernment piece of can I still have compassion within the integrity of which I decide to communicate. So for me personally, I try to lean on Marshall Rosenberg’s non violent communication, which keeps it more centered on the I, not the you in this situation. However, having said that when we have competing values, it is true that sometimes one might trump the other one. And for me personally, to learn how to break the pattern of walking on eggshells. I had to lean further into integrity and maybe more truthful communication, rather than compassion, because if I leaned further into compassion, that would lead me down the path of eggshell walking, which I did for many, many years. And so that was part of that give and take for me.

Manon Bolliger  14:40

Yeah, I can relate to that too. I think eggshell was just because I understood the trauma that another person lived. It made me feel compassionate. But therefore I thought, well, this is not the battle worth fighting. This is not the stance worth making so you’re constantly negotiating your right to be you. Right?

Kamini Wood  15:10

Yes, yes, absolutely, yes. I mean, it’s very well stated. I love how you just said that you end up renegotiating with yourself that right to really be yourself because you’re overcompensating potentially for the other person, what you know of what they’ve gone through?

Manon Bolliger  15:26

Yeah and that’s what compassion, the downfall of compassion. If you didn’t have compassion, you just say it. I mean, things might break up faster or come to a head faster, but the skill of this, you know, compassionate being, it can be a huge detriment to your ability to really be your authentic self and just be who you are and be free. And having lived both is very different, right? One, you’re just you’re just fine, you know. And you if you say something a little bit like, Wow, I can’t believe that came out of my mouth, then that’s exactly what I’d say. And it’s like, wow, I haven’t said that. I haven’t dared to say a feeling like this in years. And it’s that’s, that’s actually cool. And if the person is sure, and he’s like, okay, and it’s not personal, right? Like, yes, that’s the other part is, is, is learning that it’s not about you, it’s not personal, you know.

Kamini Wood  16:32

Yes, absolutely, it’s not personal. I again, that is such an important point I want to not miss. It’s not about you. It’s about and a lot of times we make it about ourselves, or we make it about taking responsibility for the other person’s response or reaction, and that’s the piece again, that we have to somewhat release that attachment we’re not responsible for how they how they respond or react to something to that point of being a jerk. If we do say it really rudely and meanly, we have some responsibility, and maybe they’re hurt feelings, but ultimately, the ultimate response of how, how, how they take what we say has to be the other persons, and I believe that that’s where a lot of eggshell walking comes into play too, where there’s so much attachment to that responsibility that you’re constantly measuring, you know, can I say this? Should I say this? And then we step back from it, because we’re really trying to control how the other person feels and responds, and that’s not within our domain in the first place.

Manon Bolliger  17:34

Oh, that’s being in somebody else’s business as currently fired.

Kamini Wood  17:39

Yes, exactly. Get out of their business.

Manon Bolliger  17:44

There’s enough to deal with, with yourself, you know, so, so tell me a little bit about, I don’t know that sort of highlights of or tools that you use to help people. I mean, consciousness is a big thing to become aware of all of these dynamics, but what have you found to be helpful, or a methodology that you can sort of explain a little bit so people have a sense of the work you do and how to work with you?

Kamini Wood  18:15

Yeah, I’ve really for my framework. It’s really about starting with, you know, really recognizing and becoming aware, as we’ve talked about, right? That recognition and aware of what are those beliefs in the background, what are the stories I’ve been telling myself? Is step one, and then you go into starting to identify what your actual values are and what your needs are. A lot of us talk about core values, which is, I say that they’re ground zero. The the other part that we really have to talk about are those needs, because so often we don’t pay attention to what we really need, especially in relationship, we just it will brush what will, you know, is a broad strip. Well, I need somebody who loves me and listens to me, yes, but let’s get deeper. What are the actual needs that we have, and get really specific when we can identify those things. So we recognize, we become aware, we identify. And then it’s about values based action. Now, how can I start taking action, living into those into those values? And I say this in context of even we were talking about eggshell walking, for me, personally recognizing and becoming aware of the stories I was telling myself about conflict avoidance, the story is around. I have to make sure everybody else is happy, the people pleasing. I have to make sure that, you know, people aren’t upset with me, because everything has to be perfect, my perfectionism, right? Becoming aware of all those stories, then coming back to Okay, who is Kamini really? What’s actually meaningful to me, and what do I actually need when I’m in these relationships? And then learning to take that action of starting to speak up, you know? And it’s not like you go in and you start saying all of the truths, but we find little ways that we can we can little steps that we can take so they can compound to make the larger change that we’re looking for.

Manon Bolliger  19:56

Yeah, no. Well said, yeah. Yeah, no, exactly, yeah. So, so what is the like? So how do you work with people? Then it’s like, one on one, and then they, they, they journal, or how do you get them to or do you do anything…

Kamini Wood  20:16

Put it into practice? Yeah, yeah. So I, I have been trained in several modalities, and I’ll tell you why, because originally I was, I would, I would lean more on the cognitive side of things, meaning more of the cognitive behavioral type coaching. And it works wonders for people. So people who are, who are can journal, and are very adaptive, adept to that. You know, journaling is a powerful thing, because when we can see our thoughts out on paper. It gives us space between us and the thoughts and we we release that over identification with them. However, with other people who might be struggling because they’re they’re so stuck in their thoughts, there’s also the somatic side, right? So a lot of the work that I can do as well with clients is okay. Let’s drop down into the button. What are we feeling? Where are we feeling it? And this works really well with anxiety, because so often we want to get rid of anxiety and but you can’t out think your anxiety. If you could, you would have done it already. So instead, it’s, you know, let me understand, you know, what is my body telling me? And then work from the body, from the bottom up approach. So there’s different ways that I can work with people, because truthfully, we’re all different, and we all we all assimilate information differently. We’re going to integrate it differently. But yes, in terms of tools, I find that journaling is really helpful. I really encourage actually voice memos, believe it or not, because when you can witness your own self, you actually you speak and then you witness it at the end of the day, most of us want to be seen, right? Humans want to know we matter. We want to be accepted and belong, and we want to be heard and seen. And so being able to witness our own self is a really amazing tool that I found with my clients as well, that being able to use voice memos, witness yourself and then reflect on it has been really, really transformational.

Manon Bolliger  21:58

Interesting. Yeah, and in the somatic work. How do you how do you work with that? Like an example.

Kamini Wood  22:05

So for instance, I’ll just get use the anxiety. For instance, I’ll use myself as the guinea pig. So like, for me, I check in with myself and I recognize, like, you know, I’m feeling, I’m feeling anxious, and I feel in the pit of my stomach. And then I would work with somebody and say, okay, describe that feeling. Tell me, you know, how does it feel? Does it have a shape? Does it have, you know, the denseness we go into, what that feels like, to really give it form. And then through that, we start working towards, okay, what is it communicating to you? So we’re working with the feeling and not the thoughts that’s And also, if we think about why somatic works, is because our body will give us that indication that something’s going on quicker than our thoughts will. And I know this for my own self. I recognize now that I’m anxious well before I have the thought I’m anxious because my I’ve become so attuned to where it sits in my body the moment I have a feeling there, I’m like, oh, okay, let’s slow down and pay attention to this.

Manon Bolliger  23:05

Yeah, so it’s really hearing or connecting to the voice of the body, not just the voice of thoughts, which is what they do.

Kamini Wood  23:19

Yes, they keep talking, they keep talking. They’re not going to stop.

Manon Bolliger  23:25

Okay, so, I mean, our time is almost up. I’m going to leave you with maybe a message you’d like to share, or you have a podcast yourself, a way that people can get maybe hold of you, or if you have anything on that level that’d be great to share now.

Kamini Wood  23:42

Oh, absolutely. So I do have a website. It’s kaminiwood.com and one of the things that you can access via my website is a free ebook on limiting beliefs, because, as we’ve been talking about a lot of what challenges us are some of the stories that we’ve told ourselves, or what are the beliefs that we’ve been carrying and which what’s the truth about beliefs is that you can always shift them, right? You can, you can, you can shift that story and create a new belief about self. And so that’s a powerful, powerful thing to do. Um, also easily found on Instagram and Facebook. @itsauthenticme.

Manon Bolliger  24:16

Okay, great. Well, thank you so much for sharing your time and wisdom and yeah, we will see. Hopefully it’ll catch the people who need to hear this. I really trust that, you know, people connect for whatever reason, but if it’s public, then there are the right people that listen to the message and they’re like, thank you for doing this. So I’m going to thank you in advance.

Kamini Wood  24:43

Thank you for having me.

Ending

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